My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
What a chick magnet..
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.