I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
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[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The Struggle
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Cats (2019)
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight