Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
translated into Canadian
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.