I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
You Might Also Like
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?