It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
You Might Also Like
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
They say women only use 10% of their anger