My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.