The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Ferrari squats
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]