Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
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When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.