Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Spell check is for lasers.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
synchronized noseblowing
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.