[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too