doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
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Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low