People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.