thanksgiving should be called feaster
You Might Also Like
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏