A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.