I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Choose your fighter
Ha.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants