My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
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Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
This guy’s not having it 😆
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
my astrological sign is a french fry
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.