(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.