I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be