Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
This one’s “Alex”.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars