[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Anyone really
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.