I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
You Might Also Like
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Always
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Should I call tech support or pray or what
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*shrugs*
*swipes right*