*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
What kind of a cult is this?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting