My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”