I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
You Might Also Like
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
japanese corn
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”