Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler