DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
What flavor cupcake are these
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?