I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
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Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?