Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”