Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
You Might Also Like
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.