First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
#MeanwhileInCanada
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner