me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.