the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
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I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”