As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
You Might Also Like
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
⛄️