No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
asked my bf how work was today
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.