how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
You Might Also Like
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Is this a threat?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now