I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
ACED my prostate exam!
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of