Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
You Might Also Like
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes