In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
motivation
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”