I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.