We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.