Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Terribly Tuesday.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I need a headline like this
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.