Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
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Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I ate everything, including the H.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.