You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
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“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Cndnsd Mlk
I feel seen
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.