If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
This made me smile…
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.