tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
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i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
im 7 sauces long
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.