[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
This meal prepping shit is easy
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.