Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Important
Called it
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh