I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
A friend helps you before you need it
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Holy crap this is wonderful
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?