If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me in tagged photos
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.