8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Lol.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
How dude HOW?!
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.